SHHHEEE'S BAAACCCCKKKKK!

I have missed you my silly billy booger blog. Am I glad to be back!

THOUGHTS

I'm going to take a break from THINKING.

My hair needs to be cut. The thing with break ups.. or in this case an apparent not-break-up.. is I need to change my hair. Its been well documented over time. So I'm thinking fucking pixie short right. And blonde. Yes ladybabies, gentlebabies and babybabies, I will remember to do my brows this time.

But then again I'm thinking. Dudefuckshit. If I look like a friggin terror its not really going to help my self confidence is it now?

I'm going to die alone. My dobberman won't be able to save me by thinking quickly and jimmying the door lock and running out and calling a neighbour cos I don't have one (dog plus neighbour). My cat won't be able to eat half my face off COS I DON'T HAVE ONE.

MY GOLDFISH WILL DIE WITH ME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GET ONE.

HIT & RUN

I've got another story. I feel very slumdog millionaireish. Minus the gameshow, million bucks, slumdogishness and police brutality.

While The Barrel was here, we were at my place one day, which is on the 4th floor right. Me being the attention starved person I am, was trying to tell him something and he was looking out the window. I was like talking and didn't get a response right. So OBBBY I throw a bitch fit.

I was also feeling lazy and saw he had his ipod on. I was like BAAAARRRRRRREEEELLLLL- nothing. I lost it a bit and really screamed and the bugger still didn't hear and I kindoflostmytemperand threw a cushion at him.

It kind of missed him and flew out the window onto the road.

It didn't hit anyone. But I was thinking. Dudefuckshit I would be soooooooo angry if I was innocently broombrooming on a bike and a pillow fell out of the air and whacked me.

I also think of all the times I through cigs out of the balcony. Imagine if it lands of someones head and it catches on fire orrrrrr singes ooooorrrrr leaves a patch of baldness. It would so not be cool.

THIS SUCKS

I feel like I've done wrong. I feel this awful sense of guilt descend upon me as I look at my poorly kept blog. And I worry. I've been so worried that I'm thinking I might even close shop. Cos so much is going on and I never write it down.

Let us see. Where do I start. Hmm.

Let me recount a few stories.

1-
I went to the Tracks, also known as the Bronx, for a swim. I'll have to get a pic to show you guys what it looks like. Its like basically a cordoned off area of sea. Where people swim. And theres like a silver walking thing to get to the swimming bit. Think silver ramp. I was leading the way, fell flat on my arse and slid down the damn thing.

Yesterday, I ran out of the room, slipt on a fucking swimming pool of water, fell on my arse and had to watch two baby guitars fall on me. It was very not fun. Like imagine lying on the ground and two baby guitars heading towards you and HITTING YOU.

2-
I was babysitting the other day. My adorable nephew. And then he starts farting right. Like at a rate. And I was all like dude wtf are you farting so much. Do you need to poo? And he's like, yes noorie poopie, I think we should go to the toilet. So we are on the way to the room and he's like FASTER FASTER I CAN FEEL IT COMING. And I'm all like dude hold your shit right.

We go into the room and I'm trying frantically to get his pants off. And he's like. Oh no. I think we are to late. I can smell poopoo. And I was like dudefuckshit. So I like check from the top and I'm like oh, poopie, no poo. We're safe. And then he's like HURRY HURRY I CAN FEEL IT COMING. So I bend down right to pull his pants off- and he knees me straight in the eye and runs off, shaking his tushy to the toilet.

After pooing he calls me in to wash and I accidentally used the wrong shower head. So the water was trickling like a person who has trouble peeing. Changed shower heads, and this is like a fucking bazooka right. And the poor boy was twitching mercilessly on the toilet screaming it hurttts itttt hurrrrrrrrts.

3-
I MISS SILLY LANKA LIKE A DOG MISSES..... complete the sentence.

4-
I'm sick of watching E!. I've like memorised the lines.

5-
I still get lost walking on the roads. My short cuts are a bit awry and I end up like walking all over the place.

Ok. I will think of a nice blog post next time.

THOUGHTS

DUMBDUMBDUMBDUMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB DAY. I woke up and was like watching tv. Nat Geo something. It was called Wild Valentine and I watched salmon, meer cats, wilde beast, hippo's and many other animals mate.

Sadistic I tell you. Sadistic.

THOUGHTS

KONNICHIWA BITCHES.

FUNNIES

II CONTINUED

So yeah. The asswipes were standing behind the door and saw me buttbirthdaysuitly naked. I GRABBED MY TITS with both hands and kept on screaming. While they laughed. COWS. Oh yes. I did forget about the vajayjay in my terror. And HAHAHAHA, KS, that was a good one.

THOUGHTS

maybe i should be a little worried re: anxiety over exes name being misspelt. god daym.

THOUGHTS

Sometimes I crack myself up so bad, its unholy. Like I do this really mean thing, which I obviously can't tell you about. BUT BY GOD IS IT FUNNY> I lie on the floor laughing afterwards.

OK OK> At the risk of being caught out- I'm going to tell you.

To piss The Barrel off I always misspell the ex girlfriends name. It really gets to him. YOU SHOULD TRY IT. ITS HILARIOUS. And he thinks its a genuine mistake. AND TRIES TO CORRECT ME EACH AND EVERY TIME. On floor again. MUUUUUUUUUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

II

Thursday, 5th February 2009

So I've got a new Most Embarassing Moment. I went out for a drink with a few friends. Was supposed to stay up late into the night and watch a horror movie with the sister and brother (in law). Got home around 1:30 or 2 in the morning and was all pumped for the scary move right.... And hadn't peed though I had had water, ice tea, juice, ice cream and a red bull. My baby bladder was at the end of its wit by the time I got home. The taxi ride hadn't helped. 7 minutes of pure unadulterated Fast and the Furious driving. Now I can take F&F driving but fuck man. The roads are twisty and all that shit so its more like screeeech halt turn rev screeeeeeech halt bend etc etc.

The sister and hub was MIA and I was miffed. So I had a smoke. While smoking I tried calling her but the fool didn't pick up her phone right? And then she msgs to say that shes out getting stuff to eat, to check if the hubs phone was in the room. I was like ok, in a while. I go into the room at this point the bladder was getting all F&F and screech halt bending on me. I lock the door. Strip and prance to the toilet right? On the lights. Open the door. And scream blue murder. The twats were hiding in the toilet.

Bitches right. I have more to say. Will add on later.